Just to recount the events that led up to Charlie Sheen’s 30 day vacation in a plush Malibu rehab: Charlie Sheen and his wife were in Aspen high as fuck on crack when they got into some kind of fight where Charlie slapped Brooke and then put a knife to her neck and threatened to get O.J. Simpson on that ass.  Brooke had the misunderstanding that because she was a hot white piece of ass in Colorado that the police would put Charlie in jail.  Although not LA, Colorado is still the venue where Kobe Bryant anally raped some chick and got off without even getting probation. And he’s Black.  Charlie could be disrupted from filming his hit show 2 1/2 men so got  30 days in rehab for threatening to kill his wife with a kitchen knife.  He also has such an air tight prenuptial that Brooke doesn’t want to divorce him even though he bangs hooker in front of her.  Tiger Pay attention, your prenup sucks.

Lindsay Lohan is going to jail and the “Fuck You” written on her middle finger nail probably didn’t help.  I would say for once that a celebrity didn’t get off; but Lindsay is no longer a celebrity.  Lindsay is just a sad-clown caricature of a little ginger that once could have been a solid B rated actress.  According to some fucking news site:

“Judge Marsha N. Revel ruled today that Lindsay Lohan violated the terms of her probation in a drunk driving case when she failed to attend alcohol education classes and sentenced her to 90 days in jail.
The judge stated several instances over the last few years in which the actress lied about taking drugs and drinking.
“It’s like someone who cheats but doesn’t think it’s cheating if they don’t get caught,” Revel said.
Before sentencing, a tearful Lohan addressed the court, saying “as far as I knew I was in compliance with my programs.”
“I wasn’t trying to get special treatment,” the actress said. “I have to provide for myself. I have to work. Having said that, I did everything to balance my jobs and showing up. I’m not taking this as a joke. It’s my life. It’s my career…I take responsibility for my actions. I’ve tried to do the best I can. It’s been such a long haul, I don’t want you to think that I don’t respect you.”

Yeah, the “Fuck You” on her middle finger nail screams respect.  If you ever needed an anti-drug PSA Lindsay Lohan’s  steady decline into drugs and mental retardation would be ideal. That and time lapse video of how shitty plastic surgery and drugs have made her look like a 65 year old cracked out Meg Ryan.

UPDATE: Lindsay Lohan is now claiming her passport was stolen and that is why she won’t make it back.  I guess once she realized that the volcano excuse wasn’t going to fly she came up with this bullshit.  With out a doubt Lindsay will be arrested and sent to jail.

Lindsay Lohan is going to jail.  She was ordered by judge Marsha Revel to appear Thursday at 8:30 am and right now Lindsay is still in Cannes and couldn’t get back in time if she tried.  If she had caught one of the 15 open flights from Paris to LA that were available for the last couple of days she would have been fine. But it’s hard to catch a flight when you’re drunk and have muff in one hand, and a straw in the other. It looks like the wheels are finally about to fall off this train wreck and she is going to finally be sober for a 24 hour period when she in jail.  The judge may give her up to 180 days and make her wear an alcohol bracelet.

Lindsay Lohan has been ordered by judge Marsha Revel to appear before her this Thursday.  Lohan who is in Cannes to announce her new role because it’s miraculous news that anyone is drunk enough to even hire her.  Reportedly, she is already making excuses, blaming the Icelandic volcano for her inability to show up Thursday.  When you have a nose that sucks up cocaine like a Dyson vacuum and you drink vodka out of water bottles you can hardly blame a fucking volcano.  Lindsay spends more of her life in an intoxicated state than she does sober.  Her vagina has to have a security cam just so she can figure out who and when the last time she got laid.

Alexis Neiers, the fish eyed drunken fame whore, from E!’s pretty wild is headed to jail for stealing from Orlando bloom.  According to the NY Daily News:

Alexis Neiers, 18, copped to felony residential burglary after the hunky actor agreed to testify against her. The trail was to have started this week.

Under her plea deal, Neiers will serve six months in jail and three years’ probation. She must stay away from Bloom’s Hollywood Hills house.

A star of the E! show “Pretty Wild” about growing up in the fast lane, Neiers was caught on security tape as she broke into Bloom’s house last summer with two other hooded females.

The women ransacked the house and made off with more than $500,000 in watches, cash and other booty, authorities said.

Bloom collects rare watches, and his prized Rolex Milgauss from the 1950s is worth $250,000 alone, according to a Manhattan-based watch dealer.

Neiers faced up to six years in prison if convicted at trial. But she had initially turned down the plea deal.
A detective testified at Neiers’ preliminary hearing that investigators found a Chanel necklace stolen from Lohan inside Neiers’ family home.

Neiers admitted she was on Bloom’s property the night of the burglary but claimed she was drunk and didn’t remember taking anything.

The security camera caught her leaving with bags, the detective testified.

Lindsay Lohan looks like her body has been pickled in cocaine and cheap vodka for awhile now.  That’s because she goes out and gets loaded every night. Once a week, 1 out of every 7 days Lindsay was supposed to attend alcohol classes as part of her DUI probation.  I am not sure how many DUI’s she got but I certanily remember her crashing several really nice cars back before she was broke.  Anyway according to TMZ this bitch is jail bound despite her quasi celebrity:

Sources tell TMZ Lindsay Lohan has not attended the required number of alcohol ed courses — and we’re told school officials are saying Lindsay has “a bad attitude” and “entitlement issues.”
There have been reports that Lindsay made up the courses she missed, but we’ve learned she is still — as of this date — deficient … she hasn’t attended the required number of classes.

Fact is … even if Lindsay makes up the classes, the judge made it clear in an earlier hearing, “Defendant must attend program at least once a week without fail … defendant must be in full compliance to not be in violation.”

Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, takes issue with our story, telling TMZ, “Ms. Lohan is on track to complete her alcohol program within the time frame set by the judge, and any classes she missed were made up for.”

Based on what we know about Judge Marsha Revel, it’s almost certain she’ll order Lindsay to appear in person on May 20.  In addition to missing classes, we’re told Lindsay’s bad attitude at the school will have a big impact on the judge.  So the stage is set for a showdown.

I don’t think one person feels sorry for this sack of skin and crack. She represents all the bullshit and stupidity of celebrity without being hot, talented, or even marginally modest.  At this point I don’t care if she goes to jail or not just as long as she doesn’t fuck up any good movies or vomit on my Pumas on my way out from Teddy’s. Actually I think she is 86′d from there too.