Lindsay Lohan is going to jail and the “Fuck You” written on her middle finger nail probably didn’t help.  I would say for once that a celebrity didn’t get off; but Lindsay is no longer a celebrity.  Lindsay is just a sad-clown caricature of a little ginger that once could have been a solid B rated actress.  According to some fucking news site:

“Judge Marsha N. Revel ruled today that Lindsay Lohan violated the terms of her probation in a drunk driving case when she failed to attend alcohol education classes and sentenced her to 90 days in jail.
The judge stated several instances over the last few years in which the actress lied about taking drugs and drinking.
“It’s like someone who cheats but doesn’t think it’s cheating if they don’t get caught,” Revel said.
Before sentencing, a tearful Lohan addressed the court, saying “as far as I knew I was in compliance with my programs.”
“I wasn’t trying to get special treatment,” the actress said. “I have to provide for myself. I have to work. Having said that, I did everything to balance my jobs and showing up. I’m not taking this as a joke. It’s my life. It’s my career…I take responsibility for my actions. I’ve tried to do the best I can. It’s been such a long haul, I don’t want you to think that I don’t respect you.”

Yeah, the “Fuck You” on her middle finger nail screams respect.  If you ever needed an anti-drug PSA Lindsay Lohan’s  steady decline into drugs and mental retardation would be ideal. That and time lapse video of how shitty plastic surgery and drugs have made her look like a 65 year old cracked out Meg Ryan.

Nicholas Cage recently said his diet depends on how animals fuck. It makes no sense I know, so I’ll quote him,

I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales – sentient life – insects, reptiles.

“I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex.

“I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds.

“But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”

To say Nicolas Cage is fucking mental is an understatement.  And as much as I want to hate him he did do Adaptation and Leaving Las Vegas.  And how can I forget Con Air.  I am not sure what his animal sex fetish is about other than determining his diet.  I don’t think I want to speculate either.  I will leave that to you guys in the comment box.

UPDATE: Lindsay Lohan is now claiming her passport was stolen and that is why she won’t make it back.  I guess once she realized that the volcano excuse wasn’t going to fly she came up with this bullshit.  With out a doubt Lindsay will be arrested and sent to jail.

Lindsay Lohan is going to jail.  She was ordered by judge Marsha Revel to appear Thursday at 8:30 am and right now Lindsay is still in Cannes and couldn’t get back in time if she tried.  If she had caught one of the 15 open flights from Paris to LA that were available for the last couple of days she would have been fine. But it’s hard to catch a flight when you’re drunk and have muff in one hand, and a straw in the other. It looks like the wheels are finally about to fall off this train wreck and she is going to finally be sober for a 24 hour period when she in jail.  The judge may give her up to 180 days and make her wear an alcohol bracelet.

Kelly Preston is pregnant at 47 and although her doctors have been able to keep her face looking young those innards have to look like dry scrambled eggs.  No word on who the father is yet but it’s doubtful that John Travolta knocked her up because no one fucks their wife after 23 years.  I am sure Travolta will giver credit where credit is deserved, it was Xenu The Soul Fucker!

Indrani is a 36 year old (Just in case you couldn’t tell from her neck.) photographer who claims to be Lindsay Lohan’s new flame.  Take this shit with a grain of salt my source is not that reliable on this one.  But Indrani who claims this is her first gay relationship says,

” I have never had a relationship with a woman before, but Lindsay is just somebody who I find fascinating, gorgeous and extremely smart, as well as super-hot.  Lindsay gets a lot of bad press, but she’s a really strong, creative woman and is trying really hard to get her life in a good, positive place.”

Ok, now you know this is all bullshit and just a publicity stunt.  Lindsay is smart? Lindsay is gorgeous?  More like Lindsay is wasted and stumbling or Lindsay is jail bound for violating probation.  And most likely, Lindsay is headed for gang bang porn and will stipulate in her contract 50% of her salary is to be paid in Bolivian marching powder.

The NY Daily news reported that John Travolta’s dogs were killed at an airport accident at Bangor International Airport.  But fuck the NY Daily News, because they clearly can’t read between the lines.  Those dogs seized  an opportunity to kill themselves and be free form the tyranny of Scientology.  Scientology is so creepy the k9s just bearing witness to it’s wackiness was enough to bring on suicide. This can only be evidence that k9 sex is right of passage for Scientology.

Lindsay Lohan has been ordered by judge Marsha Revel to appear before her this Thursday.  Lohan who is in Cannes to announce her new role because it’s miraculous news that anyone is drunk enough to even hire her.  Reportedly, she is already making excuses, blaming the Icelandic volcano for her inability to show up Thursday.  When you have a nose that sucks up cocaine like a Dyson vacuum and you drink vodka out of water bottles you can hardly blame a fucking volcano.  Lindsay spends more of her life in an intoxicated state than she does sober.  Her vagina has to have a security cam just so she can figure out who and when the last time she got laid.

Gisele Bundchen is fucking hot.  How hot?  How about 25 million a year hot.  That’s right, her image alone makes her 25 million dollars a year while you plaster your images for free on face book, and irritate the shit our of your friends with our stupid mobile uploads from Pink Berry.  Not only does Gisele make a shit ton of money, this is how she looks after a kid.  Shit, her ass may look even better now than it did before.  I am not sure how that happens but Gisele should write a hand book on how to look ultra fucking hot after popping out a kid.  Most men just figure that after their wife gives birth they will have to just beat off to internet porn or bang hookers the rest of their lives.

Jeremy Piven is known for being a dick who bangs ugly chicks and hookers.  So when Jessica Simpson showed up in the set of Entourage Jeremy Piven was probably ordering his assistant to get him  Viagra and  lube for his trailer ASAP.   According to US Magazine:

“In between takes, he was staring at Jessica’s ass in the most obvious of ways,” a witness tells UsMagazine.com. “He wasn’t being sly about it and would just watch her every move. He flirts with ugly girls, so you can imagine how crazy for Jessica Simpson he was. She almost seemed like she couldn’t wait to change into her jeans, but she was a good sport about it and kind of laughed it off.”

The best part is that Jeremy Piven was shot down by a woman who’s fucked  Bam Margera, John Mayer, and Dane Cook. That’s has to hurt, I mean she is willing to fuck nearly any dip shit with a semi and a pulse but she laughed off your advances.  No sympathy here, this is the same asshole who rang up a huge bill at a sushi restaurant and left a tip of an autographed box set of Entourage.

Kate Hudson is throwing a jealous temper tantrum because Cameron Diaz is dating her ex, Alex Rodriguez.  According to PageSix.com:

Top Tinseltown publicist Brad Cafarelli, who represents both Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz, didn’t respond to our numerous phone and e-mail messages yesterday about a report in the new issue of Us Weekly. The magazine claims that the rivalry between the actresses reached an all-time, tense high, after A-Rod, 34, recently hooked up with Diaz. 37. “Kate hates Cameron,” an insider tells the magazine. “She’s pissed Cameron is dating A-Rod.”

Page Six reported last month that the A-Rod/Diaz affair was “casual, with neither pushing for commitment,” and that the third baseman had also been linked to a bevy of Miami beauties. But even that was apparently too much for Hudson, who was constantly at Yankee Stadium last year, cheering on her then-boyfriend. Superstitious Bombers fans even heaped praise on Hudson for A-Rod’s clutch playoff performance.

They broke up in December, opening the door for Diaz to swoop in and pick up A-Rod at a Super Bowl party weeks later.

Hudson’s said to be convinced Diaz is striking back at her, because the “Almost Famous” star hooked up with Justin Timberlake in 2007 — only days after Diaz ended a four-year relationship with him.

“Kate thinks it’s payback, pure and simple,” the insider told Us Weekly. But things have been tense between the women for some time. Hudson has been happy to remind pals that she scored a coveted spot in the musical “Nine” that Diaz had craved.

“Kate thinks Cameron is an aging old-lady actress struggling to remain sexy and relevant,” a source close to Hudson said.

This shit is so ridiculous it’s like high school but with millionaire blonds that are fighting over the baseball jock.  And just like in high school, the jock ends up banging the sad-clown-looking bitch who wears too much makeup.  Seriously, when did Cameron Diaz start working that creepy Joker look.  Batman beware, the Joker is loose and that is definitely a double entendre.