Just to recount the events that led up to Charlie Sheen’s 30 day vacation in a plush Malibu rehab: Charlie Sheen and his wife were in Aspen high as fuck on crack when they got into some kind of fight where Charlie slapped Brooke and then put a knife to her neck and threatened to get O.J. Simpson on that ass.  Brooke had the misunderstanding that because she was a hot white piece of ass in Colorado that the police would put Charlie in jail.  Although not LA, Colorado is still the venue where Kobe Bryant anally raped some chick and got off without even getting probation. And he’s Black.  Charlie could be disrupted from filming his hit show 2 1/2 men so got  30 days in rehab for threatening to kill his wife with a kitchen knife.  He also has such an air tight prenuptial that Brooke doesn’t want to divorce him even though he bangs hooker in front of her.  Tiger Pay attention, your prenup sucks.

So my buddy was looking through the best of Craigslist and he found this gem. My buddy by the way owns a porsche and rides a buddy scooter; go figure. I’m really at a loss for words for what the fuck is going on here. There are so many places to go with this especially dressing up like Michael Jackson to have a knife fight beat off. WTF is all I can think at the moment.  Is this what Philly is talking about when they say they’re the city of brotherly love? No gay guys, just guys who beat off together and play laser tag, which I think is some other quasi homosexual activity that dudes in denial get together and do. To see this ad in all its glory click here.

Mel Gibson is trying to out do Chris Brown. According to Radaronline.com, the newly admitted wife beater said this first,

“You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.”

And then later on in the conversation,

“What kind of a man is that who would hit a woman when she is holding a child in her hands, hitting her twice in the face?

“What kind of a man is that?” the Russian musician repeats.

The Braveheart star responds: “You know what — you f**cking deserved it.”

There is nothing that Hollywood executives love more than wife beaters and anti-Semitic racists.  The domestic violence thing popularized by Chris Brown really did wonders for his career.  You can only beat women and have a successful career if you are Sean Connery.

In case you didn’t know, life is fucking unfair. Case in point, some douche bag with the douche name Brian Austin Green gets to live off the royalties of shitty teeny bopper show from the 90’s and marries Megan Fox. How does this happen? Brian Austin green hasn’t worked in 12 years or more and he get that kind of ass. You should probably go into your work bathroom, beat off to Megan Fox and then kill yourself. It’s the only solution.

Lindsay Lohan is going to jail and the “Fuck You” written on her middle finger nail probably didn’t help.  I would say for once that a celebrity didn’t get off; but Lindsay is no longer a celebrity.  Lindsay is just a sad-clown caricature of a little ginger that once could have been a solid B rated actress.  According to some fucking news site:

“Judge Marsha N. Revel ruled today that Lindsay Lohan violated the terms of her probation in a drunk driving case when she failed to attend alcohol education classes and sentenced her to 90 days in jail.
The judge stated several instances over the last few years in which the actress lied about taking drugs and drinking.
“It’s like someone who cheats but doesn’t think it’s cheating if they don’t get caught,” Revel said.
Before sentencing, a tearful Lohan addressed the court, saying “as far as I knew I was in compliance with my programs.”
“I wasn’t trying to get special treatment,” the actress said. “I have to provide for myself. I have to work. Having said that, I did everything to balance my jobs and showing up. I’m not taking this as a joke. It’s my life. It’s my career…I take responsibility for my actions. I’ve tried to do the best I can. It’s been such a long haul, I don’t want you to think that I don’t respect you.”

Yeah, the “Fuck You” on her middle finger nail screams respect.  If you ever needed an anti-drug PSA Lindsay Lohan’s  steady decline into drugs and mental retardation would be ideal. That and time lapse video of how shitty plastic surgery and drugs have made her look like a 65 year old cracked out Meg Ryan.

Ok, I assume that you are all surprised that Lindsay Lohan wore an alcohol detection bracelet and it went off.  Fucking shocker right?  I mean she is the definition of of hard working and keeping it together. Fuck who even cares?  She will only end up the wasting a liver transplant.  Fuck if she could only kill herself from alcohol poisoning and save the trouble and spare parts.  I wish I could feel bad for her but she has the self control of an infantile autistic cat.  Go figure.  Here is more info if you want to piss away your day.

Earlier in the day Judge Marsha Revel issued a bench warrant for Lindsay’s arrest because her SCRAM bracelet went off after the party girl went to the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday. This is the second bond Lindsay’s people have posted in a few weeks. Earlier they posted a $100,000 bond. Both times– keeping her from being arrested. RadarOnline.com learned that Lindsay had alcohol in her system. “It’s not an accident,” a source says.

Fingers crossed she snorts enough coke to make her heart numb and do us all a favor. Especially me, every time I write about her a unicorn dies and my dick grows an inch.  It’s a tough dilemma but I manage.

According to Radar Online a Jersey Shore cast member is marching to the the beat of some Bolivian marching powder. I am not sure why this is news who the fuck in Miami is not on coke.  I saw Miami Vice I know what’s up in Southern Florida.  Here’s another shocker you heard it here first: The cast of Jersey Shore is on a bunch of steroids and growth hormone.  And some of the Guidettes have silicone in their tits. Big fucking deal I hope they all die in plane crash.  They should be hanging out with Lindsay Lohan since they are all just fame whore drug addicts.

This is Padma Lakshmi and her man, Teddy Forstmann.  You might be thinking why is she dating some due in a track suit with a button down underneath.  It’s no fashion faux pas, that’s just how billionaires dress because they just don’t give a fuck.  Yeah, doesn’t matter how big your dick is, how ripped your six pack is, or how fucking hot you think you are. Nothing gets women wet like off shore and Swiss bank accounts.  So if you want some really hot ass better get a job at Goldman Sachs robbing the country for prime ass.

Lindsay Lohan missed her court date because she was stuck in Cannes with a straw up her nose and a shit ton of coke in her veins.  TMZ has the exclusive photo of her sitting with a grimy French couple and several lines chopped up and ready to go in the table. Now this stupid bitch is trying to claim that she was setup.  Right, like there is an international conspiracy to stop you from partying.  Well, dumb fuck there isn’t.  The problems is that you party like an idiot, you’re 24 pushing 37, and your liver probably only functions at 15% hence the weight gain in your freckly face. You had the career and life that people would give their life, cock, or arm for and you just continue to fuck it up. Selfish bitch! Fuck, I hope you go away or die, either way is fine.

Nicholas Cage recently said his diet depends on how animals fuck. It makes no sense I know, so I’ll quote him,

I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales – sentient life – insects, reptiles.

“I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex.

“I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds.

“But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”

To say Nicolas Cage is fucking mental is an understatement.  And as much as I want to hate him he did do Adaptation and Leaving Las Vegas.  And how can I forget Con Air.  I am not sure what his animal sex fetish is about other than determining his diet.  I don’t think I want to speculate either.  I will leave that to you guys in the comment box.